Growing into Our Perfect Selves

Experiences of Quaker Eldering

For me, eldering is all about relationships: my relationship with Spirit, my relationship with others, and my relationship with myself. Eldering is about knowing that of God within me and letting it guide me to see and connect with that of God in others. Eldering is about Friends encouraging one another to grow into the perfect self that each and every one of us was created to be.

Sadly, some Friends hold a negative perception of eldering. Throughout our history, there have been Friends who try to enforce cultural norms or maintain systems of power under the guise of eldering. These Quakers often act as if eldering is an authoritarian role rather than a nurturing one. This misuse has caused many Friends to mistakenly believe eldering is about chiding, dictating how things “should” be, upholding tradition, or censoring. It should be none of those things. Eldering should always be aiming to build someone up, even when it is done in response to harmful behavior. Eldering is about potential and growth and helping to create conditions that bring out the best in each of us; this kind of relationship is one full of humility and love. In my experience, eldering involves looking beyond our own limited perspective so we can see others with Spirit’s vision. True eldering is about loving, seeing, naming, and inviting.

I am deeply grateful for the eldering I’ve received over the years. One of the first times I was eldered was when I was a baby Quaker of 32. I attended a solemn social justice event with a bunch of folks in the peace and justice community, including a good number of Friends. As a stay-at-home mom with small children, every occasion like this felt like a rare opportunity for socializing, and I treated the event like a party, happily talking with people I knew. One of the founders of our meeting, Marian Fuson, a formidable Quaker woman if ever there was one, took me aside and basically said I was acting frivolously and needed to “weighty up.” I could have gotten my feelings hurt. But she had been intentional about getting to know me during the short time I’d been attending Nashville (Tenn.) Meeting. We had a relationship. I trusted her, and I knew she was right.

Another experience of being eldered happened years later when I was in the School of the Spirit’s Spiritual Nurturer program. Each program participant had a committee to support and anchor them to their home meeting while they went through the program. I handpicked my committee, choosing individuals I knew would hold me accountable to my intentions. Partway through the program, I was feeling stuck in the project I’d undertaken and was avoiding doing the inner work I needed to do to get unstuck. I gave a report to my committee that was pretty identical to the previous meeting’s report. Brian Wingate, one of the members of my committee who is a decade younger than me but with the hogwash detector of an old, wise one, called me out. He said that I’d committed to taking the program seriously and was not doing that. He said if I didn’t start following through on my stated intentions, he couldn’t continue to support me. It was hard but absolutely what I needed to hear. I remain awed and grateful for his wisdom and the integrity and courage it took to state it.

Other ways I’ve been eldered over my nearly 30 years as a Friend have included active mentoring, encouragement, invitations to committees and roles, support during discernment about leadings, and spiritual companionship. Whenever anyone has named a gift I carried or provided opportunities for me to exercise a gift, they were eldering me.

An example of this occurred when Penny Wright was preparing to move away from Nashville. She was an active member of our community, carrying many responsibilities over the years and knew that her absence would leave a hole. I’ve never talked with her about this, but I have the sense that she intentionally began mentoring folks in the community to step into leadership. I don’t know what she did with others, but for me, it began when she invited me to co-lead a Quakerism 101 course. Over the next several months, she named my gifts and encouraged me. She helped me grow into a new sense of belonging and responsibility within Nashville Meeting.

Eldering should always be done with humility and love. In my experience, eldering involves looking beyond our limited perspective so we can see others with Spirit’s vision. True eldering is about loving, seeing, naming, and inviting.

I have also been given leadings to elder. One particularly challenging time involved a Friend who was engaging in habitual behavior that was harmful to the Quaker community we shared. Those of us who had known Gerry (not their real name) for years had become accustomed to the behavior and had learned to avoid them during times when the behavior was triggered. We all rolled our eyes and said, “That’s just Gerry being Gerry.” But then some new people joined our community who didn’t know Gerry and didn’t understand that their behavior was their unhealthy way of coping with stress. These newcomers experienced Gerry’s behavior as hurtful and disturbing. One of the newcomers approached me and shared how Gerry’s behavior made them feel. Then another did the same. I saw the behavior with new eyes and realized how harmful it was to our community and the individuals in it. God laid it on me to talk with Gerry.

But I wanted no part of that. In truth, I was afraid of Gerry’s response and couldn’t imagine confronting them. I began looking for others who might have the conversation with them. I talked to several people who listened carefully, affirmed the need, but felt clear it was not theirs to do. After months of avoiding it, I came to understand that this really, really hard thing was mine to do. I prayed and prayed, and slowly God gave me the words and then the opportunity. I sat down with Gerry and let my love for them and for our community and for the newcomers flow through me. Gerry listened thoughtfully and told me that someone they loved and respected had said a very similar thing recently. Shortly thereafter, Gerry began therapy to deal with the troubling behavior.

This was one of the hardest things I have ever been guided to do, and I would never have done it if it hadn’t been clear to me that God wanted to use me. I think it was only successful because Gerry and I had a respectful and caring relationship. Gerry trusted me, and I trusted the Holy Spirit to work through me.

When eldering or being eldered, my relationship with my Inward Teacher has to be the central one. Without that, I am just seeing others with my limited human understanding. When I allow Spirit to lead me, I am brought into a state of humility so I can listen to the words of others and allow myself to be changed. When I allow Spirit to use me, I am given leadings, opportunities, words, and resources that guide me in my relationships. For example, I may be led to speak with someone about a message shared during worship to let them know that worship felt deeper and more centered after they spoke. Or I may be guided to sit down with someone to offer the reflection that the core of their message was sound but the context within which it was framed was distracting and took away from the message.

My biggest challenge in this is my relationship with myself. I can run ahead of or lag far behind my Guide. There are times when I do not want to do what Spirit is guiding me to and other times when my ego gets puffed up in self-importance, forgetting Christ at my center. It is at these times that I need eldering. I need trusted people who can listen as I process what I experience, reflect back what they see and hear, and offer gentle suggestions or direction that help me return my attention to my Inward Teacher.

A few of us are called to be elders just as a few of us are called to be ministers: invited by Spirit to reorient our lives so that Spirit is at the center in all ways. Any of us, though, can be given ministry to share during worship. And any of us can be guided to nurture the spiritual lives of individuals in our communities.

When I was given the leading to create the Faithful Meetings program for the School of the Spirit, I had the companionship and wise eldering of two spiritual friends. At the time, Joann Neuroth and I were co-clerks of the School of the Spirit Board. We met weekly to share our spiritual lives and talk about the life of the ministry under our care. The other was my spouse, Mark Wutka. Joann and Mark each listened carefully and affirmed my leading. They offered insight and encouragement as I wrestled with my insecurities about my lack of formal education and worldly authority until I was able to accept the authority that the Holy Spirit was offering me.

When the board approved the creation of the Faithful Meetings program, I stepped down from co-clerking and put out a request to the School of the Spirit community asking for elders to accompany me. I was blessed to have Scott Wagoner and Robyn Josephs respond. We have been meeting together just about every three weeks for more than three years. With them, I’ve been able to talk about my insecurities and fears about being called to public ministry. They have held me in prayer, suggested resources and connections, and Robyn accompanies me during most of my public Faithful Meetings work. They have taken the spiritual care of my ministry as an active leading of their own, investing time, prayer, and intentionality.

To thrive, Quaker communities require compassionate pastoral care, Spirit-grounded ministers,  and elders who faithfully encourage, exhort, and nurture the spiritual lives of Friends. A few of us are called to be elders just as a few of us are called to be ministers: invited by Spirit to reorient our lives so that Spirit is at the center in all ways. Any of us, though, can be given ministry to share during worship. And any of us can be guided to nurture the spiritual lives of individuals in our communities.

I encourage all Friends to consider the relationships of eldering in your own life. Are you open to Spirit’s promptings to speak with Friends? Are you intentional about knowing the folks in your community well enough to notice, pray about, and affirm their gifts? Do you tend to your own inner work so that your emotional “stuff” doesn’t get in the way of a leading? It benefits all of us when each of us is prepared and willing to follow divine nudges.