The Citadel Fund
Investing in a family of luxury homes for deposed dictators and other world leaders seeking a safe and dignified retirement.
This retirement home facility is specially designed for the unique needs of dictators, oligarchs, former royalty, and members of their respective inner circles. From its stunning architecture to its lavish social events and unique cognitive stimulation and fitness programs, the special needs of this exacting population will be met with the utmost discretion and tact.
The facility will include four separate wings: the Presidential Palace for retired and deposed autocrats and dictators; the Penthouse, themed for oligarchs; the Royal Castle, designed for royals both former and current; and the Inner Circle, developed to meet the retirement needs of those accustomed to close proximity to power.
Illustration by MarySan
Market research for the Citadel
Our marketing research shows an increasing worldwide trend toward authoritarian and non-democratic governments of all kinds. Oligarchs are now a feature of most non-Nordic countries of the world. Political, economic, and other factors suggest these trends will continue; market conditions are thus deemed favorable for a specialized, luxury facility designed to serve these growing demographics. Former royals, while a relatively small and slowly growing group, are targeted for the prestige and historical legitimacy they can bring to the facility.
There will be several routes for marketing to potential clients. The first route targets potential residents themselves: current and former autocrats and dictators, oligarchs, and royals looking for a comfortable, dignified retirement in a facility that reflects their status and offers them a graceful exit from the demanding and thankless burden of running a country in the absence of popular support. We are already sending our carefully prepared marketing materials to dictators, oligarchs, and royals throughout the world and are receiving inquiries. In the United States, active outreach efforts to those caught up in recent illegal political activities are underway, and we have received a number of expressions of interest.
The second marketing opportunity is countries looking to unseat or exile their autocrats, oligarchs, or royals without bloodshed. Our specialized Market Research Department is keeping its finger on the pulse of numerous countries the world over that show signs of tiring of their leadership. For a special fee, we will arrange a carefully choreographed removal of their leader, complete with such features as parades, military honors, and triumphal departures aboard their choice of transport (jet, helicopter, or yacht). With our menu of options to suit a range of budgets, we can serve the needs of any country desiring a transition. Our parade options include a well-trained adoring crowd of subjects or a military parade featuring impressive hardware and flyovers, a band, and the presentation of military honors and medals. We are particularly proud of our “Removal via International Yacht Party” option for those leaders who must have no inkling that they are being removed as head of state.
With our menu of options, we can offer a lavish removal event worthy of the most demanding clients for less than the cost of a small war. We have already received discreet inquiries from several countries interested in this option.
Illustration by Olga Tik
Each wing will be designed to meet the exacting standards and particular needs of its unique population. For example, the Presidential Palace and the Royal Castle will feature private balconies for each resident, and no balcony will be visible from any other balcony. This will provide each resident the assurance that the weekly parade is for them and them alone. These two wings will also feature architecture reminiscent of Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle, a subtle and reassuring reminder of one of the world’s most enduring monarchies.
The Penthouse will take inspiration from the recognized architectural style “Contemporary Dynasty.” It will include authentic details from such famous edifices as Mar-a-Lago, Russian dachas, and the estates of various celebrities and technology titans.
The Inner Circle will in fact be the central circular hub of the facility, with the other wings built out from it. It will feature numerous semiprivate passages to the other three wings, accessible only to those with a special fob. All Inner Circle residents will have a fob; staff will carefully schedule transit through the corridors of power to ensure that each resident has the experience of private access to leaders. Digital photographs on the walls will be activated by each fob to show that particular resident interacting with famous leaders.
Illustration by dayzeren
To meet the unique psychosocial needs of these demographic groups, each unit’s staff will be specially trained and outfitted. For example, in the Presidential Palace, men in military garb will be trained to receive orders and salute respectfully. A special press corps will interview residents and produce daily broadcasts covering their pronouncements, edicts, and accomplishments. Those who were removed from their posts via an International Yacht Party will receive special services to help them establish and run a shell government in exile for as long as this is psychologically necessary. Those in memory care will be invited to share stories of their dictatorships and display their medals and news clippings; our market research suggests that this weekly event will be highly popular. Residents of the Inner Circle will also pay visits; both parties will benefit from these mutually enriching social interactions. Staff associates will unobtrusively offer certain services, such as conveying business cards from visitors on silver trays and ushering visitors in through “secret” passageways.
Residents of the Penthouse will have access to a large yacht on which, for a special fee, they may host a party for other oligarchs. The Penthouse and the Presidential Palace will have access to helicopter and luxury jet services; private rides “to survey their realm” will be offered for a fee. The Penthouse will also feature a private investment house with daily consultations with financial advisors familiar with the needs of this population. This in-house service, charging management and legal fees commensurate with the exacting nature of service to this demographic, will be a significant additional profit center of the overall facility. For those in memory care, the investment consultations will be entirely fictitious, designed for maximum engagement and pleasure for the client.
Residents of the Royal Castle will enjoy daily changing-of-the-guard ceremonies, and will each have a small but lavish private throne room. Like the Presidential Palace, this wing will have its own in-house press corp devoted to covering the fashions, activities, and pronouncements of residents. In addition, those in the memory care unit will be offered weekly opportunities to arrange advantageous marriages for their children, with the services of specially trained diplomats intimately familiar with royal bloodlines and histories. Families of these residents understand that no nuptials will take place, but that their loved ones will have the incomparable pleasure of arranging for the continuance of their royal line.
Illustration by lyudinka
We are committed to ensuring that our residents have the finest fitness and occupational therapy opportunities available, in keeping with their stations and relevant to the tasks they will want to perform.
For the Royal Castle, residents will be supplied with opportunities to practice ribbon cutting and groundbreaking. They will wield gold shovels and scissors, and will be encouraged to practice these skills regularly. Our occupational therapists will also use the occasion of the weekly parades to encourage waving while standing on balconies and watching changing-of-the-guard ceremonies.
For the Presidential Palace, residents will be encouraged to take advantage of opportunities to salute and/or wave while standing on their balconies. They will have regular opportunities to climb up and down the gangplank of the yacht and in and out of the helicopter and jet. They will also practice pounding their fists on desks while shouting orders. To maintain upper body strength, those in memory care will be offered opportunities to lift bags of realistic play money in and out of the overhead compartments of the private jet and helicopter.
Penthouse residents will have these same opportunities except without parades.
Inner Circle residents will have abundant opportunities to “get their steps in,” walking to and fro from the various outer wings of the facility to visit leaders and oligarchs. Any who need a little extra motivation will be given private messages to carry from one leader to another; our market research suggests this is highly motivating to this demographic.
Illustration by venimo
Principal investment strategy of the Citadel Fund
This Fund will invest primarily in the suite of retirement facilities described above as well as associated subsidiary businesses. These subsidiaries include the Citadel Investment Services; Dictator Removal Services; and yacht, helicopter, and jet leasing.
Diliff on Wikimedia Commons
Market and geopolitical risk
Our investment process integrates an analysis of the sustainability of the income stream with respect to disruptive change. In the current climate, an unexpected outbreak of democratic norms and behaviors on a large scale remains the primary threat. In the short to medium term, democratization trends at work in the African continent could actually be advantageous, as countries seek to remove their existing autocrats and dictators. These leaders will need a place to go, and our services could ease these complex transitions for all parties. Worldwide, our analysts judge that democratization poses a minimal risk at this time. We note that the United States in particular currently offers growing market potential for retirement options for defeated, impeached, and pardoned authoritarians and their cronies at both the state and federal levels. The United States also boasts a rising number of oligarchs, as well as a growing expatriate community of royals. Any softening of demand from other regions will likely be offset by strong growth in the United States.
Investing in securities involves a risk of loss. However, worldwide political trends justify rosy projections for earnings in the coming decades. We see excellent potential for long-term growth of investor capital in the Citadel Fund.