On Being a Grandmother

Everyone said just wait—being a grandmother is the most wonderful thing in the world. I thought to myself: yeah, yeah…whatever! But, then the first time I heard little Nate cry, about three minutes after he was born I had the physical sensation of my heart opening up wide—I mean as wide as the universe. It was an amazing sensation, quite shocking to me. The first time I held him, and every time since, I have found myself transported to a place of deep, centered joy. The only other experience I can equate it to is the God consciousness that comes sometimes in meeting for worship or when I am in a meditative state.

Our heart connection and Nate’s pure little spirit have become a portal for me. I suspect that this is a transient experience, one that will not continue as he gets older and more sophisticated. I hope I am wrong. My sense is that now his essence is still so pure, unsullied if you will, that he is directly connected to the Divine without any of the blocks we take on as we experience life. Our essential self is the connection to the Divine and babies haven’t developed a false or social self yet.

I know that there are young women and men who connect with their babies in this deeper way. They may have less of the self-protective crust that I found it necessary to take on to make my way in the world. When I was a young mother my inner life was too chaotic and fearful for me to connect except for a few times during late night feedings. My inner life now is less encumbered with some of the fears, judgments, and deceptions of my earlier life, so I am more receptive. This may be one of the gifts of having lived long enough to rediscover and reclaim some of that which is essential in myself. My life intention now is to be free of anything that blocks me from experiencing the flow of Divine Love in my life. It is, I think, the movement into wisdom, which comes with getting older. Our little Nate brings the precious gift of immeasurable joy, peace, and hope. His innocence opens me to the infinite. Holding him transports me to the dimension where we connect with that of God in each of us. It is the Kingdom of Heaven, which Jesus said "is among you." It is the place from which the world may be transformed. My grandson, Nate, is helping me to find my way.