Forum, April 2026

Breaking free of gender boxes

As a middle-aged, cisgender, heterosexual male, I have been stretched by the expansion of gender in recent years (“Are You a Girl or a Boy?” by Mico Sorrel, FJ Mar.). However, as a Black man, a lifelong pacifist, an actor, and an empathy professional (healthcare chaplain), I have also walked an unorthodox line through the gender space. I could share a picture of me with my ’80s hair, earrings, and eyeliner back when it seemed that gender was less of a straitjacket culturally in the West. I hope that we have outlived the gender binary.

Somebody says, “My accountant wants to get started on my taxes because he is worried . . .” How is the gender of your accountant relevant? Why not use “they”? We stuff children into gender boxes before they are born. It’s the most common question a pregnant person is asked. Boy or girl? Answer: Mico’s “yes.” (Intersex is a thing too, of course.) And of course, a child of Godde. Thanks for this walk along the path, Mico! I can see a new horizon from this peak.

Carl Magruder 
El Cerrito, Calif.

Dear Mico, what a pleasure it is to read this deeper history of you. I have known you for a number of years through FLGBTQC and lovingly embrace the wonderful, thoughtful, deeply grounded spirit that is you. Gender is a construct; but you my Friend are real in whatever ways you are led to express yourself. Thanks for your friendship and your ongoing witness.

Petra L. Doan
Phippsburg, Maine

Hurtful language, changing minds

Before I share some of my concerns about this article (“Troubling the Waters” by Judith Fetterley, FJ Mar.), I want to offer my respect and appreciation to the author. It takes courage to change your mind, and even more courage to share that process with others as vulnerably as she has. I am grateful for Friends who model for me how to continue broadening your mind and heart as you age.

My concern is with Friends Journal’s decision to publish this piece in its current form, especially without a content warning. The piece repeats hurtful comments that well-meaning people say to and about trans people all the time, such as, It’s so hard for me to remember non-binary people’s pronouns; The transgender movement is pushing people to the political right; and I’m sure there must be a better way than surgically altering your body. Does it matter that the author shares these points in order to, at least in part, refute them? Of course it does. But that refutation is partial and conditional (while the author’s learning, hopefully, continues), and the risk of harm to a group of people already in the cultural crosshairs is not insignificant.

I believe in the power of identity-based affinity spaces where, for example, cis people can speak together about their work to understand and join in solidarity with trans people. Affinity groups allow people to be messy in ways that are essential for learning and growth. They also recognize that marginalized people don’t need to be exposed to all the rough edges of that process.

Friends Journal is not an affinity space for cisgender people. When you publish something about transgender people, in a frightening time for us, when we are already harried by micro and macro aggressions at every turn, it should uplift trans peoples’ voices, add a new perspective, equip people for effective solidarity, and—at a minimum—not cause additional harm.

Kody Gabriel
Albuquerque, N.M.

I invite cisgender Friends who would like to know more about trans experiences to keep one very important thing in mind: any person’s transition, regardless of which side of the gender spectrum one begins, does not need to have the same goals as anyone else’s—nor does it have to be any goal that any cis person thinks it should be. For a wide variety of reasons, the majority of us do not choose any form of “bottom surgery.” We transition socially. Many of us transition hormonally. Some of us take cosmetic steps to present in ways we feel comfortable. “Bottom surgery” does not even refer to a single procedure—rather, there are several possible procedures. Not every trans person wants to be hypermasculine or hyperfeminine. Some choose to “pass” and others do not or cannot. Many of us choose to express ourselves along the entire spectrum of gender presentation. Despite this, the author repeatedly claims that my trans family are the ones stuck in the gender binary and that we want to blur sex and gender back together. Nothing could be further from the truth, as the lived experience of every brave and fiercely distinct trans sister, brother, and sibling should prove.

Transgender people are not a conceptual challenge, a linguistic affront, a theoretical conundrum, a curiosity, a fetish, or a threat to anybody. We are not a “transgender movement.” We are neither a transgender issue nor a transgender question. We are all just human beings who deserve to live in peace and safety—something that the author does not choose to emphasize. There are as many transgender experiences as there are transgender people. If we have an experience that a cisgender person doesn’t quite understand, we should not have to justify ourselves or dim our light to spare your discomfort or merit your consideration, sympathy, support, or protection.

I must speak the message that is on my heart to give. I realize my words may not feel comfortable to all. No trans person is comfortable these days.

Ophelia Eryn Hostetter
Haddon Heights, N.J.

From the editors: We are truly saddened to learn of the pain and misrepresentation that some of our trans friends have felt reading this article. We hear you and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

The author walks readers through her own initial doubts, and we understand it’s hard to hear these all-too-common misrepresentations of trans lives. But we hope that the confessional style will help readers who are still unable to accept and understand trans identity and that it will soften hearts for wider trans inclusivity. We hope those readers will go on to read the many powerful trans voices also included in the March issue.

We will take extra care in the future to more clearly articulate trans inclusive viewpoints.

Martin Kelley
Friends Journal Senior Editor

Thank you to Judith Fetterley for sharing her vulnerable journey of changing her opinion. Changing our minds is such a radical act these days, and I admire the work she’s done to become a companion to trans and nonbinary people.

Suzanne CS
San Antonio, Tex.

I understand, at least in part, where the author’s sentiments come from. When my daughter first told me she is a transwoman at heart and soul, I felt the same way I felt when I first experienced an earthquake after growing up in a state that had no earthquakes: it rocked my foundational belief in the ground as “unshakeable.” By the time I witnessed a friend at work coming out as trans, I understood and supported his decision. By the time I accompanied my daughter for the final surgery that she needed to make her image of herself match her inner reality, I was “cool” with it and rejoiced with her when she told me after the procedure that for the first time, she felt truly herself.

I loved my daughter when she was my son, and I love her now as my daughter. Love is the first motion, and I am blessed.

Lesley Laingl
McMinnville, Ore., and Monteverde, Costa Rica

Thank you, Judith, for this. It is unlocking my view wider on the transgender question.

George Busolo Lukalo
Nairobi, Kenya

Thank you for this look beyond the binary. I am a 70-plus-year-old cisgender father of a 20-year-old whose gender, sex, and pronoun world has my world spinning (I had to google “cisgender” before using it here). But the love of these people keeps me trying to understand, respect, and use their descriptions of choice. Thank you for your candid essay along these lines.

Jeffrey Plaut
Elkins Park, Pa.

Welcoming and affirming communities

Thank you for this article embracing the welcome of all Friends, our family! (“Living Truth with Integrity: Lives of Trans, Nonbinary, and Intersex Friends” by Ted Heck and Jim Fussell, FJ Mar.) My child grew up in welcoming and affirming meetings. As a nonbinary, genderfluid person, they are thriving. They are also keenly aware that, as you’ve written here, “Violence and the threat of violence is all too common in the lives of transgender, nonbinary, and intersex people.”

Welcoming and affirming meetings are important, Friends. Still more is asked of us. In March, Tennessee House Bill 754 has advanced in their legislature. This bill would require healthcare providers to submit data on trans patients to the state government. Friends, please organize and mobilize now to stop this Tennessee bill and build a state legislature watch for each of your state legislatures. Our allyship is critically important.

Jeanne Marie Mudd 
Tucson, Ariz.