Patch by Patch

Growing in Compassion

My driveway is not fully paved. There are two paved strips down either side, and gravel runs down the center between the concrete. One of my “hobbies” is to sit and weed it, a half hour or an hour at a time. This activity never ceases to amuse my neighbor, who doesn’t understand why I don’t just cut to the chase and spray it with weed killer. He is perplexed at my commitment to having a chemical-free yard. There’s more to it than that though.

I typically do this weeding in the morning, sometimes with a cup of coffee by my side. I love sitting there listening to the birds; it calms me, and I tend to enter a rather contemplative state of mind. Sometimes in the spring, it’s a little too chilly for my taste, and I make sure to sit where the sun can heat me up a bit. In summertime, I live for just a waft of cool breeze. As I sit there, I work through things in my mind while my hands are busy. It can be very satisfying to clear a section, plucking out the little weeds over and over. Certain sections are less satisfying: where my car tires most frequently hit, the ground is compacted and hard, and my enjoyment sinks. Sometimes I have to grab a garden tool to help me. After a time, my interest in the task begins to fade; my hands and back begin to ache; and I call it a day.

I have never, ever finished.

Not once have I gotten the satisfaction of looking at a completely weeded driveway. Most often, by the time I get back out there again, new weeds have already begun sprouting on the sections I had so happily “finished.” This does not discourage me from my work though; I keep plugging along. If it goes too long without my attention, I feel sorry for my house because it looks like no one loves it: no one cares enough to take the time to tend it.

What is within the power of each one of us is to focus, over and over, on smaller areas within our reach rather than on the entirety of our society. 

We live in a nation divided, a nation in conflict. One person feels attacked and threatened by the beliefs of another. One group does not understand the motivations of another group. Families and friendships may fracture over differing beliefs. This divisiveness can leave us feeling confused, hurt, or angry. How can we ever overcome such antagonism between people with different beliefs? We probably all feel some sense of profound hopelessness in the face of such overwhelming separation. I would invite each one of us to stop casting our eyes wearily upon the length of the driveway: it will never be done, cannot be done. This does not mean, however, that we throw up our hands and just walk away from the work. To do so would be to allow the weeds of hate to take over, to grow tall, and to sink down roots that become stronger and more difficult to extricate.

What is within the power of each one of us is to focus, over and over, on smaller areas within our reach rather than on the entirety of our society. The size of the plot we work on will vary from one to another, and indeed will vary for each one of us as we wrangle with how much energy we have on a given day. Sometimes the scope of our work might encompass a significant area in our life; other times we might focus only on improving a very small spot: perhaps our relationship with just one particular person.

As we sit down to begin our work, I encourage each of us to combine a contemplative frame of mind with the actual nitty-gritty of what must be done. Take time to reflect inwardly while you labor; be open to hear the voice of divine guidance. Acknowledge that on occasion, the work will be more difficult than you bargained for. Look to the Divine to provide you with the additional tools you might require. Perhaps the work will cause you pain; it is the sign of digging in, of getting dirt under your fingernails, so tolerate some difficulty, but also take breaks to stretch your aching back and rest your worn-out hands and spirit. Rejuvenation provides stamina to get back out and tackle another area on another day. Other people might not understand your commitment to doing the work yourself when most would choose an easier way. But pouring poison onto the weeds of divisiveness is a short-term solution with more serious long-term consequences.

That poison seeps down into the earth and contaminates the water, where it can flow right back into our own bodies. Perhaps we “win” an argument with someone but at the cost of losing future opportunities to dig deeper and learn more about who they are as a human being. We have poisoned our relationship with them, leaving resentment in place of fellowship. To truly understand another person is to be willing to go deep, to put forth some amount of effort. The danger we face is not in holding different beliefs but in holding people apart from us and viewing them as “the other.” It takes more investment in time, a commitment to work without poisoning, and a vulnerability to expose ourselves in order to go beneath the surface of our interactions.

Sometimes we don’t even need a big plan or grand intentions to make a difference. For a time, I worked for American Greetings stocking cards at area Walmart stores. It was a fun little job, but I was in the retail world, and more than once, I endured the stresses involved in that type of work. One day a woman approached me and asked for a very specific card. I explained to her that it was currently out of stock. Her temper flared at me, and she harshly demanded to know when it would be in. I tamped down my own temper, took a deep inner breath, and responded with as much kindness of voice as I could muster. When I informed her I couldn’t know the arrival date of the restock, she flew into a rage and lashed out again verbally before stomping off. I felt upset at the injustice of her rage and flustered but turned back to my work to get myself back on an even keel. Much to my astonishment, about five minutes later, she reappeared with tears in her eyes! She apologized for treating me roughly and said, “Your persistent kindness had a profound impact on me. It reminded me how God calls us to treat one another.” It ended up being a significant experience for both of us.

I realized that by not automatically becoming defensive and hotheaded (as I am inclined to be), I had allowed God to work through me and change the course of the interaction. She changed the interaction, too, by having the courage to come back after she had lost her temper.

It was not easy, and it was perhaps against our human natures, but a simple incident that lasted only a few minutes has stayed with me for years as a reminder of the divine guidance that is available, if only I will lay down my ego in order to hear it. She also made the effort to come back and talk to me again, thereby allowing grace to flow through her.

I wonder how often the story behind someone’s behavior and choices is a desperate need for community, for understanding, or a reaction to a hurt of which I am completely unaware. All too often, hurt, fear, loneliness, and a sense of not belonging are driving forces of people’s behavior. I also remind myself that no one is the villain in their own story. The people across the political aisle from me do not view themselves as somehow nefarious. No, they hold views that they believe are important for themselves and their family, same as I hold my own. Probably neither of us will see things from the other’s point of view, but I can still take it upon myself to interact from a place of kindness, compassion, and recognition of the humanity of another person. Quakers say we are to see that of God in everyone. This is not an automatic behavior for most people but instead must be a consciously made choice, even when it is a hard move to make. If I had to describe my faith journey in a short-handed manner, I would label it “radical compassion.” When I truly pursue this, it influences every interaction I have with others.

Remember to not get discouraged as you look at the entire length of the driveway; just focus on tending the space right in front of you. 

In addition to compassion, curiosity is a key factor in resisting “othering.” Those who aim to encourage and perpetuate divisiveness count on us to categorize rather than to demonstrate curiosity. It is easier to demonize a group rather than an individual: liberal/conservative, immigrant/citizen, straight/gay are all categories. But curiosity peels back those labels to learn more about the human being. If you know me as a mother or as a grandmother, does that give you a complete picture of who I am? How about if you know me from work or from my religious roles? Do you have a full understanding about the various things that make me tick? By having curiosity about those we encounter, we cultivate a better experience of them as unique individuals: each of us with our own beliefs, quirks, joys, and hurts. This desire to know more, in turn, grants us a deeper compassion for all people around us. 

Remember to not get discouraged as you look at the entire length of the driveway; just focus on tending the space right in front of you. And be curious!